I Thought That We Could Sit Around and Talk For Hours

Howdy!!

Bailey is coming in a couple hours and I'm so excited! I am also ridiculously tired, I stayed up way to late watching Harry Potter. I've never seen any of them before and I watched the vast majority of them yesterday, crazy awesomeness. Thank goodness Joanne called me and woke me up before class or I would've missed a quiz, friends are wonderful things to have.

//I'll be okay, is that what you want me to say?//
Been thinking about my dad. I wish what he did was something that happened in the past, and we could look past that and just forgive and forget. Forgiveness is something I have to do for myself, forgetting is something that will never happen. I think I need to work through forgiving him on my own, and when I get to that point maybe I can start talking to him again. Right now it's just too painful. He has to be hurting too, and I don't want him to be hurting. I need to snap out of the disillusionment that life revolves around him.
"How are you doing, sweetie?"
"I'm fine." Translation: "I miss you. But I can't stand to talk to you."
"Do you need anything?"
"No, I'm okay." Translation: "I need you. But you'll never be there for me. You never have."
"I'll talk to you later sweetie."
"Okay." Translation: "Okay. It won't be any time soon Dad."
I give my friend crap for wanting to talk to an asshole guy she used to like, and I know I am a huge hypocrite in that. It's hard to forget about someone who has such a huge part of my heart. I know in my head that he is not good for me, but my heart just wants to talk to my dad. So when I do talk to him, and he does something that reinforces my head saying "don't do that, bad idea" my heart can barely handle it. It's like a human addiction, when dad left I was forced to quit him cold turkey. I want my dad. But I want the dad I imagined for 17 years, not the one I realized I had my senior year. My whole life was a lie. //She lives in a fairy tale... forgotten the taste and smell of a world that she's left behind// Well hello reality. College is a new chapter, I can do pretty much anything I want with my life right now. Haven't quite figured out what that is, my view of reality up until this past year has been something entirely different. I need to find my footing and get motivated about something. I feel like you have to be a severely screwed up person to want something you know time after time will fail you. Hey dummy, don't you remember what happened last time? Why yes, I vividly remember it, but that doesn't stop me. I'm still going to do it, and I'm still going to get hurt, and I'm still going to go back to him and do it again. The chance that he might actually love me seems worth the pain. I'm fighting for a lost cause, the war has already ended and I have already lost. He may love me, but he'll never be enough of a man to show it.


I don't believe people change. I just believe parts of their personalities become amplified. Feel free to argue with me. How we react to circumstances defines who we are. I don't expect my dad to change, but I'm hoping maybe he'll mellow out someday.

Well. Those are the thoughts of a college student running on very little sleep.

Thanks and Gig em!