You're Only as Small as the World will Make You Seem

Howdy!

I have been busy.  Tests and such.   I should probably stop failing them.  I passed the engineering test, so that's a yay.  Now we have to finish our project sometime this week... I gotta get the boys together to work on it. And I'll probably end up writing the paper for it.  *siiighhh*

I actually have a little bit of time to sit down and write, yay Thanksgiving break!  I went to the last A&M vs UT football game for a while... it's super sad. But I'm glad I was at this one even if the Aggie's lost and my brother was a jerk about it.  It's one thing when it's someone who supports the opposing team bragging because they were proud of their team, but it's another when you're being mocked purely because your team lost.  But then I just think about how I got into A&M and he didn't, and I feel better.  #dontpissmeoff

On the bright side, it was still a really fun game and Bri, Bailey, and Parker got to come see it with me. :-D So overall, Thanksgiving was a success.

Dad visited me last Saturday. It actually went pretty well, he picked me up and we went to IHOP.  We had a civil conversation, nothing awkward was brought up.  We went to Walmart to get random stuff, then he dropped me off at my dorm, I showed him around a little bit and he got to meet my roommate.  He took about a million pictures of me, I felt like I was two again and everything I did needed to be documented.  He started crying as we were hugging goodbye.  I dunno, if little visits go this well every time then maybe I wouldn't be opposed to seeing him more.  But it's still really hard.

I'm trying to get out of my numb state of mind.  If I just don't care about something then I don't have to deal with it.  I was laughing at my suite mate's term that she had "Asian failed" something, meaning she didn't get an A, but she got a high B, but it wasn't good enough.  I remember being like that, and now I just don't care.  I know the only reason I was like that was to please my father, but at times I wish I still had that kind of "I don't want to be a disappointment" motivation to make me do stuff.   I also used to do it as a competition, but that was high school, I don't have a fighting chance of competing with these nerds who have already taken most of these classes.  I know myself, I know I could do better, I just have little desire to actually do so.  I don't try. I'm not focused.  I don't have a goal.  I'm just kind of here.  There's more to living than being alive... something's wrong when you have to bribe yourself to get out of bed.  I don't feel as depressed as I used to, just numb.  WAKE UP AND LIVE YOUR LIFE.  Don't just shuffle through it like you have no control over what happens.  It's like I'm not depressed anymore because I've realized that I can control my own life, but I'm numb because I don't know what to do with it now that it's mine.  I feel like a slave that goes back to his master because that was the only life he'd ever known.

Finals are coming up, and I really need to do well with them... so.... if I somehow magically got motivation to study hard between now and then... that'd be great.  Knock on wood though, I don't want a mysterious phone call saying "You need to get an A on all of your exams or I will murder your puppy!"  That would actually work though.

Shane, I don't think you are a jerk.  You just aren't as funny as you think you are.

Mkay, goodnight!

I Thought That We Could Sit Around and Talk For Hours

Howdy!!

Bailey is coming in a couple hours and I'm so excited! I am also ridiculously tired, I stayed up way to late watching Harry Potter. I've never seen any of them before and I watched the vast majority of them yesterday, crazy awesomeness. Thank goodness Joanne called me and woke me up before class or I would've missed a quiz, friends are wonderful things to have.

//I'll be okay, is that what you want me to say?//
Been thinking about my dad. I wish what he did was something that happened in the past, and we could look past that and just forgive and forget. Forgiveness is something I have to do for myself, forgetting is something that will never happen. I think I need to work through forgiving him on my own, and when I get to that point maybe I can start talking to him again. Right now it's just too painful. He has to be hurting too, and I don't want him to be hurting. I need to snap out of the disillusionment that life revolves around him.
"How are you doing, sweetie?"
"I'm fine." Translation: "I miss you. But I can't stand to talk to you."
"Do you need anything?"
"No, I'm okay." Translation: "I need you. But you'll never be there for me. You never have."
"I'll talk to you later sweetie."
"Okay." Translation: "Okay. It won't be any time soon Dad."
I give my friend crap for wanting to talk to an asshole guy she used to like, and I know I am a huge hypocrite in that. It's hard to forget about someone who has such a huge part of my heart. I know in my head that he is not good for me, but my heart just wants to talk to my dad. So when I do talk to him, and he does something that reinforces my head saying "don't do that, bad idea" my heart can barely handle it. It's like a human addiction, when dad left I was forced to quit him cold turkey. I want my dad. But I want the dad I imagined for 17 years, not the one I realized I had my senior year. My whole life was a lie. //She lives in a fairy tale... forgotten the taste and smell of a world that she's left behind// Well hello reality. College is a new chapter, I can do pretty much anything I want with my life right now. Haven't quite figured out what that is, my view of reality up until this past year has been something entirely different. I need to find my footing and get motivated about something. I feel like you have to be a severely screwed up person to want something you know time after time will fail you. Hey dummy, don't you remember what happened last time? Why yes, I vividly remember it, but that doesn't stop me. I'm still going to do it, and I'm still going to get hurt, and I'm still going to go back to him and do it again. The chance that he might actually love me seems worth the pain. I'm fighting for a lost cause, the war has already ended and I have already lost. He may love me, but he'll never be enough of a man to show it.


I don't believe people change. I just believe parts of their personalities become amplified. Feel free to argue with me. How we react to circumstances defines who we are. I don't expect my dad to change, but I'm hoping maybe he'll mellow out someday.

Well. Those are the thoughts of a college student running on very little sleep.

Thanks and Gig em!

I'll Be Right Beside You, Nobody Will Break You

Howdy Again!

This weekend was boring. We lost the football game in overtime and I failed 2 exams. Sucks to be me. Not really, the ups are worth the downs. Every day is a great day to be an Aggie!

Halloween was weird. The morning was good, we got chocolate in physics, and I found my lost iPod! Exactly where I left it! Yay me!! Evening was a fail, called my Dad for his birthday and he assumed I was Mom. Awkward...

I fail at Mario Party, I'm pretty sure they just let me play for comic relief at this point.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Goodnight!