Why do you cry when you're falling asleep?

Howdy!

Do you ever have those days when all you want is a warm shower? Those days when you've just had enough of being around people and you've been out in the cold and that's what you're looking forward to at the end of the day? You close the bathroom door, breathe a sigh of relief, and you're finally alone.  The water is running, you test the water, it's just the right temperature, so you hop in.

And it's cold.

Starving people in Africa, I should be grateful for a shower and all that, but I cried I was so sad.

My mind seems to be playing tricks on me lately, I feel like I'm going crazy. Why am I crying about cold water? Lying around and doing nothing all day isn't healthy for me.  I can't allow my mind to go numb.  There's not really much I can do though.  So I keep reading and watching How I Met Your Mother.

I didn't call Dad for Christmas, I didn't want to.  Can't really blame me for that.  I'll call him later. It's hard to be with one parent and call the other and have a civilized conversation.  

I'm looking forward to next semester.  It will be awesome, 2012, here I come.

Goodnight!

Tried To Reach Beyond the Emptiness, but Neither One Knew How

Howdy and Merry Christmas and Crap!


I'm sick and my boyfriend is ignoring me, so I figured I'd blog. Mom's got a new house, and it's in the process of being renovated.  This means a ton of dust is in the air and I'm slowly being suffocated in my sleep.

I feel like I should be in the Christmas spirit by now. Normally I get in the mood when I start buying people presents.  But now it just reminds me that I don't have a job to pay for these gifts, so I'm spending money that I really shouldn't.  At the same time I feel like I haven't spent enough money on people.  I just can't win.

I should probably call Dad for Christmas. "Hey Dad, how's life, merry Christmas, I failed Calculus, but it's okay, cause it's your money, will you send me money for a vacuum? Cause I really freaking want a vacuum okay!! I also need a coffee maker because I plan on working my butt off this semester like nobody's business."

Mom's friend Mark is the one who is working on the new house.  Which is a yay cause of discounts, but a hiss cause then you can't cuss him out if he breaks crap.  Oh well. She cares too much about what people think of her.  She feels the need to cite a billion people who have told her she's worth something.  To me this just communicates that she doesn't actually think that of herself yet, but look how everybody else thinks she's doing well!  Self confidence has never been a struggle for me.  I know I'm awesome,  I just don't apply myself.


My brother's are doofuses.

Goodnight.

I will stand by you forever, you can take my breath away...

Howdy again!


First off, my boyfriend is the most amazing person ever. Dead or alive. He's the best.

Secondly, I PMS really bad about absolutely stupid things.  I always look back on certain moments of my bitchy-ness and wonder what I was thinking.  I feel like I always pick a fight with someone when I'm on my period... my poor brothers were the victims most of the time. I should walk around wearing a sign "I'm sorry if I randomly chew you out, I'm not myself."  

First I'm like,

Then I'm like, 

And then everyone dies.

Lolz.

Tonight was really funny, glad I went to that party. Yay for having fun without being drunk! I suck at guitar hero. But hearing a room full of people screaming "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU LET YOUR HEART WIN WHOOAAAOOHHHHAAHHHOHHHOHHHH!!!"  is pretty dang hilarious.




Finals are coming up soon and then I'm done with my first semester of college! Weird... but I have a really good schedule next semester! I'm looking forward to everything in life in general. I just gotta calm down and breathe sometimes.


Somuchlove to everyone. Goodnight!

You're Only as Small as the World will Make You Seem

Howdy!

I have been busy.  Tests and such.   I should probably stop failing them.  I passed the engineering test, so that's a yay.  Now we have to finish our project sometime this week... I gotta get the boys together to work on it. And I'll probably end up writing the paper for it.  *siiighhh*

I actually have a little bit of time to sit down and write, yay Thanksgiving break!  I went to the last A&M vs UT football game for a while... it's super sad. But I'm glad I was at this one even if the Aggie's lost and my brother was a jerk about it.  It's one thing when it's someone who supports the opposing team bragging because they were proud of their team, but it's another when you're being mocked purely because your team lost.  But then I just think about how I got into A&M and he didn't, and I feel better.  #dontpissmeoff

On the bright side, it was still a really fun game and Bri, Bailey, and Parker got to come see it with me. :-D So overall, Thanksgiving was a success.

Dad visited me last Saturday. It actually went pretty well, he picked me up and we went to IHOP.  We had a civil conversation, nothing awkward was brought up.  We went to Walmart to get random stuff, then he dropped me off at my dorm, I showed him around a little bit and he got to meet my roommate.  He took about a million pictures of me, I felt like I was two again and everything I did needed to be documented.  He started crying as we were hugging goodbye.  I dunno, if little visits go this well every time then maybe I wouldn't be opposed to seeing him more.  But it's still really hard.

I'm trying to get out of my numb state of mind.  If I just don't care about something then I don't have to deal with it.  I was laughing at my suite mate's term that she had "Asian failed" something, meaning she didn't get an A, but she got a high B, but it wasn't good enough.  I remember being like that, and now I just don't care.  I know the only reason I was like that was to please my father, but at times I wish I still had that kind of "I don't want to be a disappointment" motivation to make me do stuff.   I also used to do it as a competition, but that was high school, I don't have a fighting chance of competing with these nerds who have already taken most of these classes.  I know myself, I know I could do better, I just have little desire to actually do so.  I don't try. I'm not focused.  I don't have a goal.  I'm just kind of here.  There's more to living than being alive... something's wrong when you have to bribe yourself to get out of bed.  I don't feel as depressed as I used to, just numb.  WAKE UP AND LIVE YOUR LIFE.  Don't just shuffle through it like you have no control over what happens.  It's like I'm not depressed anymore because I've realized that I can control my own life, but I'm numb because I don't know what to do with it now that it's mine.  I feel like a slave that goes back to his master because that was the only life he'd ever known.

Finals are coming up, and I really need to do well with them... so.... if I somehow magically got motivation to study hard between now and then... that'd be great.  Knock on wood though, I don't want a mysterious phone call saying "You need to get an A on all of your exams or I will murder your puppy!"  That would actually work though.

Shane, I don't think you are a jerk.  You just aren't as funny as you think you are.

Mkay, goodnight!

I Thought That We Could Sit Around and Talk For Hours

Howdy!!

Bailey is coming in a couple hours and I'm so excited! I am also ridiculously tired, I stayed up way to late watching Harry Potter. I've never seen any of them before and I watched the vast majority of them yesterday, crazy awesomeness. Thank goodness Joanne called me and woke me up before class or I would've missed a quiz, friends are wonderful things to have.

//I'll be okay, is that what you want me to say?//
Been thinking about my dad. I wish what he did was something that happened in the past, and we could look past that and just forgive and forget. Forgiveness is something I have to do for myself, forgetting is something that will never happen. I think I need to work through forgiving him on my own, and when I get to that point maybe I can start talking to him again. Right now it's just too painful. He has to be hurting too, and I don't want him to be hurting. I need to snap out of the disillusionment that life revolves around him.
"How are you doing, sweetie?"
"I'm fine." Translation: "I miss you. But I can't stand to talk to you."
"Do you need anything?"
"No, I'm okay." Translation: "I need you. But you'll never be there for me. You never have."
"I'll talk to you later sweetie."
"Okay." Translation: "Okay. It won't be any time soon Dad."
I give my friend crap for wanting to talk to an asshole guy she used to like, and I know I am a huge hypocrite in that. It's hard to forget about someone who has such a huge part of my heart. I know in my head that he is not good for me, but my heart just wants to talk to my dad. So when I do talk to him, and he does something that reinforces my head saying "don't do that, bad idea" my heart can barely handle it. It's like a human addiction, when dad left I was forced to quit him cold turkey. I want my dad. But I want the dad I imagined for 17 years, not the one I realized I had my senior year. My whole life was a lie. //She lives in a fairy tale... forgotten the taste and smell of a world that she's left behind// Well hello reality. College is a new chapter, I can do pretty much anything I want with my life right now. Haven't quite figured out what that is, my view of reality up until this past year has been something entirely different. I need to find my footing and get motivated about something. I feel like you have to be a severely screwed up person to want something you know time after time will fail you. Hey dummy, don't you remember what happened last time? Why yes, I vividly remember it, but that doesn't stop me. I'm still going to do it, and I'm still going to get hurt, and I'm still going to go back to him and do it again. The chance that he might actually love me seems worth the pain. I'm fighting for a lost cause, the war has already ended and I have already lost. He may love me, but he'll never be enough of a man to show it.


I don't believe people change. I just believe parts of their personalities become amplified. Feel free to argue with me. How we react to circumstances defines who we are. I don't expect my dad to change, but I'm hoping maybe he'll mellow out someday.

Well. Those are the thoughts of a college student running on very little sleep.

Thanks and Gig em!

I'll Be Right Beside You, Nobody Will Break You

Howdy Again!

This weekend was boring. We lost the football game in overtime and I failed 2 exams. Sucks to be me. Not really, the ups are worth the downs. Every day is a great day to be an Aggie!

Halloween was weird. The morning was good, we got chocolate in physics, and I found my lost iPod! Exactly where I left it! Yay me!! Evening was a fail, called my Dad for his birthday and he assumed I was Mom. Awkward...

I fail at Mario Party, I'm pretty sure they just let me play for comic relief at this point.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Goodnight!

There's More to Living than Being Alive

Howdy!

I went home for the first time since the beginning of my college career. Seemed like nothing changed. The library was rearranged, that was different. Church has two services now, that was different. Church was super empty, that was different. People don't hang out with each other without me there, that was the same. Brian is amazing, that was the same. Parker seemed taller than he used to be... but he wasn't... I'm just short... so that was the same. Caitlin has a boyfriend now, that was different, and just flat out weird. It still makes me say aww though, so that was the same.

I had to be creative to get home so I caught a ride with a guy I'd never met before, but it was worth it (Don't worry, he was a friend's cousin). I thought it would be awkward, but he ended up being cool. Anyone with Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog on their iPod scores points in my book.

The reason I went home though was to surprise Kyle, and I did, so I'd say it was a successful trip. We watched Mulan, he fell asleep, and then Bri drew on his face. The next morning Kyle woke me up then proceeded to do nothing but play Minecraft until he left.

Saturday a group of us hung out at Northwoods. Bri, Parker, Caitlin, Bailey and I. We went mini golfing and we all lost. Then we ate dinner at Red Robins yummm. I'm sure they were sick of us by the time we left, we kept ordering lemonade, we probably downed like 20 between all of us. Now I'm thinking about burgers and I'm hungry. Dang it. Anyways, then we went to see Footloose, which was a disappointment. You know something's wrong when you are subconsciously cheering the guy beating his girlfriend on because she's a whore and deserves it. The redneck friend was funny, made me think of Dillon. He even had a hook on his baseball hat and everything. We got ice cream at Cold stone after the movie, and Caitlin managed to get cheese flavored ice cream. That takes talent.

This week is hell week part dos. I just conquered my Physics test (by conquer I mean pass, thank God), and I have a Calculus test tomorrow, so cross your fingers for me.

Blah. I need to study a crap ton (in Aggie lingo it'd technically be an Aston <-lolz) tomorrow, I also need to go pull a ticket for the game this weekend. Halloween is coming up, and more exams... so basically, I don't have time for Halloween.

My friends pointed out that I liked Hello Kitty. I don't know what makes them think that.

Anyways, goodnight my peeps.

You're Gonna Wish You Had a Storm Warning

Howdyyyy!!!

Craazyyy great weekend. Bailey didn't get to CStat til after midnight, and my buddies thought it was weird that I was squealing my head off. I was sooo excited! Can you blame me? We used to see each other almost every day, and we hadn't seen each other since I left for college.

So we went to Walmart to buy monster... ran into the lady my Impact group stayed with when we went to Dallas, yay for that awkward moment when someone recognizes you but you have NO IDEA who they are. I stayed in her house, ate her food, took one of her guest toothbrushes (<-Brilliant idea, btw) and yet I did not know who she was. FAIL.

Then we showed Bailey around campus, A&M may not be super beautiful, but the memories that I have already made make me love the campus much more than I thought I could. Tours evolve from "...and this is where my Calc class is" to "...and this is where I rode a long board into a fountain..."

We stayed up til 9 AM talking... dumb move. I haven't decided if it was worth it or not. I only got 2 ish hours of sleep that night, then we drove to Letu! Only got lost like, once or twice on the way. And we got there before Anberlin started, that's all that matters.

Speaking of Anberlin.... MY MIND IS BLOWN. I can die happy now. They are possibly my favorite band, and it was just beautiful and amazing. Switchfoot also played, but I'd already seen them a couple months ago. They were super legit.

Shane didn't go to the concert because he's lame and the concert was too intense for him. Bahahaha... he doesn't know the first thing about intense concerts. This was not one.

His friends are nerds, but I can't really make fun of his, the only difference is that his are Christian, and mine aren't. I was there for like 3 seconds before one of them proposed to me. What can I say? I'm irresistible. I also stole Pepsi from the Longview Taco Bell. Oops.

We drove back to CStat the next day, took a lovely detour into the town of Idunnowhere because country makes you want to chill on a dirt road. Once again... oops.

Watched a ridiculous amount of South Park til we went to sleep that night, and then Bailey didn't end up leaving til Monday evening. Logan tried to murder me with a frisbee.

So yeah, it was a good weekend. My next two weeks will be nuts. 4 exams coming up. BRING IT. YOU ARE GOING DOWN SUCKERS!!

Stay tuned for more adventures from a "should be blonde".


Thanks, Gig em, and goodnight!

My life is too interesting not to blog about

Howdy!

My name is Shauna and I'm a freshman computer engineering major from Bulverde/Spring Branch, Texas, and I'm the loudest and proudest member of the fightin Texas Aggies class of 2015 AAAAAAAAA!!!!

(that)^2

...now that I've got that squared away...

I'm running on 3.5 hours of sleep. Had an physics quiz in the morning that I probably aced, and an Anthropology Exam that I know I bombed. Yayyy.... I'd whoop... but I can't.

I don't have exams for 2 weeks from now, yay!! This weekend is going to be amAzing. I get to see Baileyyy.... and Shaaaade.... and Anberlin and Switchfoot!! My little brother will be in Texas this week too but I probably won't get to see him, which is stupid. Wish I had a car. So close... yet so far away. I love that kid.

Hmm.. interesting things that happened today... found out that if you stick a twizzler in a can of coke it will cause it to explode. You try drinking up soda fizz when you're laughing hysterically.

Kyle wanted to skype, but I didn't, cause I'm a terrible sister. :-/

Shane's been wanting to skype me but I haven't... cause I've been studying.

I think I'm gonna sleep now.

Luff ewe!